The One-Sided Leek Slaughter
by Scarlet Curls
Summary: Since Shigure felt like messing with his editor again, he decided to take on other jobs such as interviewing the fabulous Hatsune Miku. What could go wrong? A lot! Tohru is tearing her hair out over the cooking, Shigure has been sentenced to torture by feathers and Kyo uttered Miku's most unforgivable phrase. The moral of the story is... never insult leeks! One-shot. Enjoy!


_**~ The One-Sided Leek Slaughter ~**_

_Why Kyo and Miku should never meet._

* * *

"Goooooood morning, everyone!" sang Shigure as he pranced into the dining room where Tohru had just lain down the last plate for breakfast. She smiled. "Good morning, Shigure-sama."

Meanwhile, Yuki and Kyo were death-staring each other as usual.

"Whaaaaaaattt? No morning greeting from my lovely nephews?"

"Can't you see we're busy?" sneered Yuki.

"Busy doing what?" queried Shigure as he put on his Sexy Detective Face.

"Well I'M busy threatening to rip his face off!" snapped Kyo.

"Ripping my face off isn't going to make yours any less stupid."

"YOU WANT ME TO DO IT, YA DAMN RAT?!"

"Oh, come now. You know I'll beat you."

"WANNA BET?!"

Tohru's sweat drop was clearly visible. "Uh… Kyo? Yuki?"

"Boys, calm down. We have a very special visitor coming today," said Shigure. They continued to death-stare.

Tohru cocked her head. "A visitor? Who?"

"Hatsune Miku."

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTT?! _THE_ HATSUNE MIKU? YOUMEANTHESUPERAMAZINGPOPSTARWHO'SNUMBERONEINJAPANANDHASTHEMOSTMAGICALVOICEOFALLTIMEANDISSUPERPRETTY?!"

"That's the one!"

"When is she coming?!"

"1 'o' clock for lunch."

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! I'VE GOT TO START COOKING FOR HER!" After five seconds of wolfing down her breakfast, she sharply turned to Yuki. "Yuki! I need you to get some vegetables from your secret garden!"

Kyo sniggered. "You have a secret garden?" That earned him a punch to the face.

"Of course, Tohru-chan."

But one cannot hear another while they are busy flapping and steaming their way into the kitchen. Yuki sighed as he stood, "Guess I'm going."

Shigure waved with a grin. "Okay! Byebye!" That earned him a kick to the chin.

"Why'd you invite a singer over anyway?" asked Kyo.

"I'm going to interview her for the local newspaper."

"Since when do you interview for the newspaper?!"

"Oh, well, my book isn't doing so well…

_Meanwhile…_

A certain editor held up a feather with an evil glint in her eye. "I _will_ make you finish that manuscript, Shigure, even if I have to torture you for it." Then her mouth twisted back into an evil grin.

_Back with the doomed Shigure…_

"…so I thought I could pull in a little extra cash by taking on other jobs."

"_Or_ you're planning on filling your perverted dreams with her."

"Ahahaha~!"

"YOU SICK BASTARD!"

_Later that day…_

Tohru yanked at her hair. "WHAT AM I GONNA _DO?!_ I HAVE TEN MINUTES TO GET EVERYTHING READY!"

Yuki pointed at a shrieking pot. "I think that's burning."

"GAH!"

So ten more minutes of literal "cooking up a storm" passed before the dreaded _ding-dong_ of the doorbell came.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Tohru rushed to the door where the teal-haired idol awaited with a smile. "Hi! I'm-"

"HATSUNE-SAMA! I'M TOHRU HONDA! NICE TO MEET YOU! COME INSIDE! I'LL TAKE YOUR COAT! AND YOUR SHOES! ANDYOUR BAGANDANYTHINGTHAT'SINYOURPOCKETSWAITYOUDON'THAVEPOCKETSI'MSORRYFORSAYINGYOUHAVEPOCKETS! SIT DOWN! I'VE MADE YOU LEEK SOUP, LEAK RICEBALLS, LEEK FISH, LEEK SAUCE, LEEK SPRINGROLLS, RAW LEEKS AND LEEK CAKE!" Miku's eyes became a blur as she watched Tohru set the said dishes in front of her with impossible speed. "IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU NEED? IF YOU DON'T LIKE ANYTHING, I'LL MAKE SOMETHING ELSE! DO YOU WANT A FOOT RUB LATER? WHAT ABOUT A GAME OF RICHMEN?!"

"Uh… I just want you to take a seat with me now."

"_REALLY?!_ YOU WANT _ME_ TO SIT WITH _YOU?!"_

"Yes."

"OF COURSE!" She sat, her face burning red.

Then Kyo walked in. One look at the table and… "Why are there all these leek dishes."

Miku smiled. "They're my favourite food~!"

"Oh, so you're that singer?"

"Yes."

"Kyo, help yourself!" said Tohru as she gestured at the food.

"You know I don't eat that crap!" he snapped.

Then a mysterious silence took over; the type of silence that would occur after a tornado. Tohru felt her heart beat thump twice as fast, but she had no idea what was causing it. When she turned to see the shadows draped over Miku's face, she knew why. "You hate leeks?" The singer's calm voice dripped with danger. Then her eyes glinted red under the shadows as she reached for a raw leek, her mad smile widening. "Perhaps I should change your mind."

Even Kyo was scared, scared that she had gone mad and turned into a killer psychopath. Miku stood and looked at him with wide eyes of insanity. "You ready?"

Kyo isn't normally one to be a coward, but he span around and bolted. Miku, miraculously, was faster than him and seized his hair before he could smash Shigure's door for the no-longer-counting-th time. Then she grabbed his arm, dragged him over her shoulder, slamming him into the ground, and wacked every single reachable part of his body with the leek. "Don't." _Whack!_ "Insult."_ Whack!_ "LEEKS!" _Whack whack WHACK to the balls._

And Yuki just had to come into the room at that moment to see it happen, and collapse from a dangerous explosion of laughter.

Tohru's fingernails deepened as she turned from the one-sided leek slaughter to the stitch-clutching ball next to her. "YUKI! ARE YOU OKAY? WHAT HAPPENED?!"

He tried his best to explain, "Kyo… spanked… by Hatsune… with leek!" Then the bomb blew again.

"YUKI!"

Meanwhile, back with the one-sided leek slaughter, Kyo had successfully escaped but was tackled once again by Miku who proceeded to spank his bottom with a maniac laughter. "Feel my strength? Leeks give me this strength! You should eat leeks! You can do anything with leeks!"

"FINE! I'LL EAT THE DAMN LEEKS!"

"YAY~!" She leaped off him and dragged him by the collar to the table where she picked up a piece of leek fish with her chopsticks and said, "Here comes the aeroplane~!" Kyo stared at the clenched fists in his lap. "OPEN UP!" His jaws shot apart. Miku shoved the fish inside.

Spying the suspicious bulge in his cheek, she ordered, "SWALLOW!" He swallowed. Oblivious to the fact that he was turning a green colour, she smiled. "Good~! Now again!"

A spring roll was halfway to his mouth when the door slid open to reveal… Kagura. "Oh, Kyoooooo- KYO! WHOSE THAT?!"

Miku was so startled that she dropped the roll. Kyo, meanwhile, darted his eyes around the room in search of an escape from his one-sided lover. Then his eyes landed on Miku. "Hatsune-sama! Thank-you for teaching me about leeks! Will you go out with me?"

"Sure~!"

"Ooh! That's _wonderful~!__"_ squealed Tohru, her eyes sparkling. "I can't believe you get to go out with a _pop-star~!__"_

Kagura burst into tears. "KYO! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! WE'RE ENGAGED!"

"We can eat leeks together every day! We can grow leeks together! When we get married, I can carry a bouquet of leeks~!"

Meanwhile, Kyo was mentally face-palming himself… hard. On the outside, he forced a grin. "Looking forward to it, Miku-chan."

Yuki thought, _Yes! My love rival is gone!_ "Tohru, will you go out with me?"

"HUH?! But- I'm not ready for this!"

"That's fine, we can take things slow."

"HuUuUuUuH…" That was the sound of her soul floating out of her mouth.

Then Shigure came rushing into the room. "SAVE ME! MY EDITOR IS AFTER ME!"

Then a woman brandishing a feather sprinted by. "YOU CAN'T ESCAPE ME, SHIGURE! I WILL TICKLE YOU UNTIL YOU FINISH THAT MANUSCRIPT! GAH!"

Miku, clutching the woman's collar, said to her, "You need a leek," and shoved one in her mouth.

The door next to Tohru opened and a hand protruded out to drop a parcel in her lap. She picked it up and read the message written on it. "Miss, I believe this is for you."

The editor took it and read the message. Spitting out the leek, she screamed, "SHIGURE!"

Shigure chuckled behind the door before standing up and walking away to look for snacks in the kitchen.

_How Miku and Kyo broke up._

Miku handed a box to Kyo. "Would you like a leek-flavoured chocolate~?"

"OKAY! NOW YOU'VE CROSSED THE LINE!"

* * *

**Hello! Hope you enjoyed this one-shot :)**

**To clear a few things up before reviews, I****'****d like to acknowledge a few things.**

**I understand that this one-shot has continuity issues because Yuki is still always able to beat Kyo even though the curse is over. I apologise. Also, I have only watched the anime for ****'****Fruit****'****s Basket****'**** and the last time I saw it was a while ago so I****'****m sorry if I got anything inaccurate in the character****'****s personalities.**

**As for the shipping, it wasn****'****t serious or anything, it was just for laughs. Don****'****t flame me over messing up who you think belongs with who.**

**Regardless, I hope this one-shot cracked you up and I****'****d love to read some feedback ;)**

**Goodbye~!**

**Scarlet Curls**


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